Healing, but not by numbers

I can’t have scales in the house any more. 

Why? 

Because they are dangerous. 

This might seem like a strange statement, but I can get obsessed. There was a time in my life where

I would weigh myself every time I went into the bathroom. EVERY TIME. And I’d get on the scales 3

times, just to make sure the numbers were right. 

I would obsessively count calories and make sure I was at a deficit every day. I would spin every

single day, partly to get out of the house, and partly in an effort to burn off the calories from my

enemy: food. 

The seed was planted when I was in primary school. For some godforsaken reason we were being

weighed. The girl next in line hated my guts, and when she heard what I weighed - which was

considerably more than she did, being a slim, leggy girl, and she told everyone. I was laughed at.

It was then that I learned to be ashamed of my body.

Fast-forward to secondary school. In Year 9 I came back to school after having a vomiting bug, and

a TA said that I looked well because I’d lost weight. That’s when my brain first latched onto the idea

of bulimia - not that I knew it had a name at the time. 

In my early 20s I was finally in control of what I ate as I was at uni and began restricting and purging.

Avoiding social events for fear of having to eat in front of people. Things escalated after a breakup

and graduation,and I went from an 18-20 to a 12, and while social media was thrilled for me, my

self-esteem was rock bottom. 

I managed to quiet the demons for a while when I met someone. He came on very strong and

showered me with compliments for the first few months. So much so that I was blind to anything else.

In most relationships you gain a little weight. He liked food, and my weight crept up. It was then I

discovered Slimming World. Combine that with a tendency to obsess over a calorie deficit and a

newfound enjoyment of exercise, and things get very dangerous indeed. 

I was within 2lb of my goal weight and in a size 10. And then my life unravelled. I did a factory reset,

went back to Somerset, leaving behind a 5 year relationship and a job I had loved before the rot set

in. It was the right decision as my mental health was suffering to the point where I had finally given in

and started taking medication. 

I began to heal and started to enjoy life again, with the help of one of the weirdest humans I have

ever had the pleasure to meet. I weaned myself off the medication. We went on holiday. We made

big plans and I was the happiest I could remember being. 

Enter Sepsis. 

That was one of the hardest experiences of my life. I nearly died because of a mistake made in a

routine operation. There was a lot of vomiting. Drains in my stomach. Nil by mouth for almost a

month. My muscles wasted, and when I was finally discharged from the BRI, I was practically

skeletal, barely able to walk and with a big dose of PTSD. I had to build my strength up, but I also

needed to gain weight. 

Gaining weight to be healthy was a foreign concept to me. It felt wrong. There was a tiny corner of

me that as my weight went up to a healthy BMI once again, was longing to go back to having bony

legs and no curves, to even have a relapse so as to stay thin. It has been hugely triggering. As soon

as I was well enough to be by myself, I started obsessing and restricting again. If I bring scales into

the house, I’ll be further down that slippery slope. Even now, I need to be held accountable for what

I’ve eaten, or I won’t. I’ve gone back to avoiding social situations where I have to eat where possible,

or just coming along and having a coffee or a drink. 

Add into the mix learning to love a body that will never be the same again, and you’ve got a tough

task ahead of you. Clothes that used to fit me now sit differently because of the 9 inch scar that starts

at my waist and cuts my abdomen in two. There are days when I cry because I hate my body so

much. They are fewer than they were, but they still crop up every so often. Running has helped,

but I’m not as fast or strong as I was, which gives me more numbers to obsess over. 

I have amazing support in the form of wonderful friends, and the very best cheerleader, who has

been by my side through everything the last 20 months has thrown at us. 

I will get there.

Unsophisticated Baking: My trusty brownies, with optional salted caramel Ⓥ

I've been making variations on this recipe for the last 18 months or so and I've yet to find one I like more. Several people have asked for it, so here it is:

80g vegan margarine 

2 tbsp ground flaxseed

200g dark chocolate

½ tsp coffee granules

125g self-raising flour

70g ground almonds

50g cocoa powder

250g light brown soft sugar

1½ tsp vanilla extract

Method

Heat oven to 170C/150C fan. Grease and lie a 20cm square tin with baking paper.
Then combine your flaxseed with 6 tbsp of water to make your flax eggs, and leave to go a bit gooey.

In a saucepan, melt HALF the chocolate, coffee and margarine with 60ml water on a low heat and
allow to cool slightly.While you’re waiting, you may want to chop up the rest of the chocolate.

Once cooled, stir in the sugar until it is dissolved. Then add your flax egg and vanilla, stir in,
then add all your remaining dry ingredients, finishing with the chocolate. 

DO NOT WORRY that it’s thick. This is very normal.

Spoon into your prepped tin and then bake for around 40 minutes, until your skewer comes out
clean with a few moist crumbs. You make need to poke a few times to make sure you don’t hit a
vein of chocolate! 

You can pimp this up by adding nuts, fruit OR  the salted caramel recipe below…..

1 can coconut milk (check it’s the kind that separates)

150g light brown soft sugar

¼ tsp sea salt

The night before (or a few hours before) pop your can of coconut milk in the fridge, upside down…

Turn your coconut milk over, open and drain off the coconut water. 

Heat the sugar in a small pan for about 1.5 mins to warm it through, then add the coconut milk
and sea salt, stir in til it all dissolves and is combined. 

Bring your pan to the boil, then let it simmer for at least 20 minutes. It;s ready to come off the
heat when it can coat the back of a spoon - I tend to leave it for as long as it takes! 

If you want it slightly saltier, now is the time to add a bit more to taste.

Leave to cool. I’ve had better luck with leaving it OUT of the fridge as it’s more malleable and
less likely to crystallise again. 

Once cooled, drizzle over brownies. Allow to set slightly, cut and eat.